Depression, Suicide, and My Story.

I’m going to bare my soul a bit tonight. This is a subject near and dear to my heart, and some of you may be shocked at what you discover.
Today we lost a most beloved actor, that of Robin Williams. Early reports are that it was suicide. Awful. It was said that he had been battling severe depression as of late, and apparently it got the better of him.
It happens all too often, and those who have never battled this demon, can never understand. It’s incomprehensible to most people. Some religions believe that one who commits suicide goes straight to Hell, “Do not pass go, do not collect $200.”
Some people say it’s selfish, and condemn and put down someone who does this, saying

“Well goodbye, then, I’m glad you’re gone.”
To be honest, it breaks my heart when I hear someone say this. Depression will literally suck the life right out of you. There is no rational thought process, so when your brain tells you to call someone, even when someone specifically has told you to call them anytime, for any reason, doesn’t matter how good a friend that person is, or how much they’ve told you they care. When you are in that downward spiral, all rational thought is lost.
Depression is, quite literally, a living hell. If you do not deal with this, allow me to attempt to explain it to you.
Imagine the worst emotional pain you’ve ever experienced in your life. Now multiply that times 10. No, make it 1,000. You cannot imagine that, right? Exactly my point.
Imagine walking along a pathway, through somewhere nice. Everything is going well, you’re feeling good, life is good, it’s a beautiful day.
You might or might not be able to see it in front of you, a hole in the ground. Even if you can see it, it’s too big to go around. Inertia is pushing you forward and you are powerless to go anywhere but straight ahead. You might be able to slow down a bit, but can’t quite completely stop.
You get closer to it and you’re too scared to look down as you approach it. Eventually you reach it, and if you couldn’t see it in front of you, then you don’t even have any idea what’s about to happen.
But then, there you are. One more step and you’re in it. You begin to fall, and as you do, you grasp for anything to grab onto, to keep from going down. You grasp and grab at the edges of the hole, the grass slipping between your fingers, the dirt falling off the edge around you and with you. And you keep falling. And falling…. Seconds go by. And falling….. Minutes. Falling…….. Hours. And falling…………………. Farther and farther. You are terrified.
You have no idea when, or if, you will find the bottom, certain that if or when you do, that you will die.
That is a bit like how it is for someone battling depression, except it’s not just inertia that is pushing you forward toward that hole.
Could be any number of things, really. Maybe it’s just a chemical imbalance, but for most, that’s not all it is. It’s the inertia of whatever emotional pain that person has gone through in his or her life. Childhood abuse, be it sexual, physical, or emotional. Having been bullied as a child. Eating disorders. Broken marriages, drug dependency, alcohol abuse, financial woes. You name it.
But those things can all be fixed, right? You just need to get help! Right??
Oh, but if only it were that easy. Sometimes, medication does help, sometimes talking to someone helps, sometimes a combination of the two helps. Those of us who deal with this, know that we can do that, and we do. We take all those things which we are bitter about, and put them behind us, forgive those who’ve wronged us, laid them at the feet of God, etc.
But they are still there. Then new things pop up. New problems that arise just from going through life. Our children grow and make decisions we don’t agree with and we worry. Medical issues come up, causing great financial strain. Communication breaks down in your marriage. Infidelity of a spouse. Losing a loved one.
These things pile up and must be dealt with, but sometimes it’s just overwhelming.
So you start to wonder…. “What if I could just go away? What if I could just leave and never come back and all this pain would be gone?”
You start to devise a plan. You don’t want it to be messy, you don’t want to have certain people find you. You don’t want to suffer in physical pain when you do “it”. You wonder how your body will change after you pass, if your appearance will be grotesque.
So you research different ways, but what to believe?
Finally you make a decision. For the purpose of this representation we’ll say you’ve decided on a bullet.
So you manage to find a gun and a bullet. In tears and sobbing uncontrollably, you load it into the chamber and put it to your temple.
Finally, it’s about to be over. But then you stop. Wait, maybe I’ll call (insert your best friend’s name here)… he/she said I could call them any time. So then you think about it…… no, it’s too embarrassing…. No one understands what I go through. I’ll be put in a mental ward and that will add to my bills. They’ll just tell me to stop. But do they really care? DO THEY REALLY CARE??
All this time, you’ve got tears streaming down your face, you are sobbing and heaving uncontrollably, all that pain from all those years going through your head.
And another voice speaks up inside your head:

“JUST DO IT. JUST DO IT AND IT WILL BE OVER.”
So you place the gun to your temple again. (repeat previous thoughts, remove gun, repeat twice, maybe 100 times).
Finally…. You’re ready. You raise your hand, barrel against the skin of your head……..
“JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO……”
And it’s done.

I’ve been there. Just didn’t quite go that far, not even close, really, and not in the same manner. But the thoughts are virtually the same. The worst was a couple of years ago. I once sat for 3 hours in a parking lot at Longview Lake in Kansas City, Mo contemplating my life and what it would be like if I was gone.
I will tell you the one thing that stopped me, and that is this:
What would I be doing to my loved ones? What about those who do care about me? What about my kids, my Mom, my sisters and brothers? What about my friends? A few of my friends have dealt with this very thing already, how much am I going to hurt them by doing this? I don’t want to put anyone I love through that. How would I feel if someone I loved did this? I would be heartbroken to the point that it would be miserable for God knows how long.
So this I ask of you: When someone does this, please, please don’t hold them in contempt.
Do not scorn them, or mock them. You know nothing of the demons they battled.
Do not judge. Everyone you meet is battling something of which you know nothing about.
I think I’m done now.
Now please, tell those you hold dear how much you love them. Tell them you care.
And go do something nice for someone. If you’re having a rough day, you’ll feel better, I promise.